Delete This Later | Michelle J | Substack

I Thought It Would Be Fun to Explore a New Neighborhood and Immediately Regretted Everything

No crimes were committed. Not by me, anyway.

Jun 13 •

Tried to Take a "Hot Girl Walk" and Got Chased by a Bee, a Child on a Scooter, and My Own Thoughts

Only one of them had malicious intent. It was me.

Jun 10 •

I Got Locked in a Porta Potty at a Farmer's Market and Had to Accept That This Is Who I Am Now

The situation required professional intervention.

Jun 6 •

I Went to a Trendy Pop-Up Dinner and Spent the Night Staring Into the Abyss of My Toilet Bowl

The menu said "foraged." My digestive system said "absolutely not."

Jun 3 •

I Thought Someone Was Selling Lemonade But It Was Just a Child With a Card Table and Raw Hot Dogs

He said "business is slow" and offered me a warm one.

May 30 •

Most Popular

I Found a USB Drive on the Street and Obviously Plugged It In Because I Have No Instinct for Self-Preservation

Mar 7 • Michelle J

I Accidentally Attended a Satanic Ritual but Everyone Was Really Nice

Mar 11 • Michelle J

I Went to a Chain Restaurant Alone and Spent the Entire Meal Pretending to Be a Food Critic

May 20 • Michelle J

I Got Invited to a Networking Brunch and Spent the Entire Time Pretending I Was a Former Soap Opera Star in Witness Protection

Mar 25 • Michelle J

This is your sign to stop lurking and start committing.

Recent posts

I Agreed to Help Pick Up a Couch and Ended Up Participating in a Street Performance

I held a tambourine. A woman tipped me a candle. The couch never made it to the car.

May 27 •

I Said I Was "Good With Dogs" and Now I'm Housesitting for a Mastiff That Only Responds to Latin Commands and Indie Folk Music

He growled at me when I played the wrong Bon Iver song.

May 23 •

I Went to a Chain Restaurant Alone and Spent the Entire Meal Pretending to Be a Food Critic

I said "texture" into my phone while eating mozzarella sticks like a professional.

May 20 •

I Ordered Drive-Thru Food in a British Accent for No Good Reason and Then Got Stuck in Line

I had to commit through an entire conversation and now I'm banned from Wendy's on Market Street.

May 16 •

I Took Myself on a Walk to Reflect and Got Caught in Someone Else's Breakup

Two strangers yelling near a duck pond and now I have opinions I can never un-have.

May 13 •

My Life Strategy Is Sitting Very Still Until Opportunities Arrive

I will simply sit here and let the universe do its thing.

May 9 •

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Midlife Starter Pack

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